How to control anger. How to Control Aggression: Good Tips for Finding Calm How to Control Anger

In this article you will get 6 simple ways from a psychologist on how to control anger and aggression. But if emotions are constantly restrained, sooner or later they can result in illness or depression. Therefore, at the end of the article you will learn how to safely express aggression without offending your interlocutor.

How to control anger and aggression - 6 ways

Sometimes in life we are faced with a situation in which, for one reason or another, we do not allow ourselves to be aggressive. Or we allow it, but then regret it. For example, we are angry with our boss or client, but we cannot take this anger out on him, because then we risk losing our job. A mother can be angry with a child, and a husband can be angry with his wife. If we value this relationship, it is better not to show verbal or, especially, physical aggression, and try to restrain ourselves. So how to deal with aggression? I present to you six ways to control anger and aggression:

Method #1: Timeout

Take a time out. If you experience aggression as a result of a conversation with a client on the phone, just go out after the conversation, get some air, think about something pleasant, pour yourself some tea, and your brain will immediately calm down and let go of the situation. If the aggression arose due to, for example, a domestic conflict, you can do the same. Warn your interlocutor that you need to leave, and when you return, you can calmly and measuredly end the conversation.

Method #2: Swap places

Put yourself in your opponent's shoes. At that very moment when anger seems to fill your entire body and wants to burst out, mentally switch places with it. Mentally put yourself in his place and answer the questions: Why did he say that now? How does he feel at this moment? Maybe he is also angry or offended? Or did you simply not understand me? Or maybe I need to convey my thoughts more clearly?

This method will help you calm down. In addition, you will probably be able to look at the situation from a different point of view and be able to resolve the resulting conflict. If you are worried about conflicts with your husband or wife, read this. It talks in detail about how to quarrel correctly in order to improve relationships.

Method #3: Breathe

Breathe with your belly. When you feel angry and feel like your head is about to explode, pay attention to your breathing. Have you noticed how you breathe? Take a few slow breaths in and out. Breathe with your belly. This will calm your body and oxygenate your brain. The head will immediately thank you with its calmness.
To prevent anger management, I recommend you a fantastic technique called “conscious breathing.” It lasts just 10 minutes a day and gives peace of mind for life. Sit, or preferably lie on your back, in a quiet environment where no one will disturb you. Place your right hand on the navel area and your left hand on your chest. Breathe so that only your right arm rises. You can also place a small book on your stomach and watch it rise.

Breathe deeply and slowly, with your stomach, watch your breathing. Try to slow down your thoughts. Just think about your breathing. “Now I inhale, my lungs fill with air, oxygen flows into all organs...” This technique is also called diaphragmatic or abdominal breathing. In addition to aggression, it helps to cope with panic attacks, fears and anxieties. Read more about this in this. If you perform this technique daily, aggression will gradually disappear from your life once and for all.

Method #4: Visualization

At the moment when an aggressive state comes over you, imagine yourself in a safe place. Remember a place where you felt good and carefree. It could be the shore of the sea or river, or a pleasant memory of how you sat with friends in a cafe. Imagine being there now.
If you are not strongly influenced by a place, then you can simply imagine yourself next to a person with whom you always feel good and calm. Imagine everything in detail: how you are dressed, what you are doing, what the environment is like. Returning to reality, your brain will let go of aggression.

Method #5: Logic

Turn on logic. Aggression, like all emotions, originates in the right hemisphere of the brain. The left hemisphere is responsible for logic. If you turn on logic and try to analyze the current situation, the left hemisphere will become active, and the work of the right will slow down. The brain will release the emotion of anger and you will calm down. In addition, analyzing the situation will probably allow you to resolve it.

Method #6: The Perfect Quarrel

Fight the right way. Argument is an excellent way to resolve conflict. Ideally, a quarrel is always the starting point for the development of a relationship. A proper fight looks like this. First, it excludes the word “you.” To have constructive conflict, you need to be completely focused on yourself. In psychology, this is called the “you-message” (or statement) and the “I-message.” As a rule, people communicate exclusively using “you-statements”: “you did everything wrong!,” “it’s all because of you!”, “it’s all your fault!” This approach is fundamentally wrong; this quarrel will have no meaning other than the interlocutors expressing insults and reproaches towards each other.

Start quarreling using an “I statement”: “I didn’t like that you...”, “I was upset because...”, “It hurts me to see...”, “I’m not happy that...”. These words themselves are filled with emotions emanating from you. The interlocutor already sees that he did something unpleasant to you. If he has even a little empathy, then he will definitely hear you.
The main essence of a proper quarrel is that instead of shifting responsibility to another, you concentrate on yourself. On your feelings, emotions, experiences associated with this conflict. Your interlocutor will immediately feel it. Suddenly you stop reproaching him and talk about your feelings. This will shift the angle of the conflict in the opposite direction and quickly bear fruit. The scheme of a proper quarrel is as follows:

You express the reason for your indignation using an “I statement”
Add your emotions
Talk through possible alternative behavior options for the interlocutor

For example: “I didn’t like that you came so late. This upsets me. I would like you to think about me and come on time next time.” First of all, you calmly convey to your interlocutor the reason for your indignation, express constructively what you are not happy with in this matter. Then you make sure that you have conveyed your message clearly. If you are sure that the interlocutor heard and understood everything correctly, then tell him also calmly and measuredly how you would like to eliminate your indignation. What needs to be done to make it the way you want, and why. If you do all this based on feelings and emotions (say what is unpleasant for you and what would make you happy), then the interlocutor will not only be imbued with your feelings, but will probably do everything to resolve the situation in a way favorable to you.

During the time that I have been working as a psychologist, I have collected in one place tasks and exercises that lead to positive changes in a person’s self-esteem. The result is a small book - a practical course on the path to yourself. I called this book How to Love Yourself. Using this link you can purchase it at a symbolic cost of 149 rubles. In it, I collected the most effective techniques with which I have helped many clients believe in themselves. This book will not only help you learn to assert your boundaries without being aggressive, but will also make your life happier overall.

What is the cause of aggression and how to eliminate it?

If you often feel aggressive, angry or anxious, this means that you are not happy with the current state of affairs in your life. And there is a deeper reason for this than your immediate conflicts.

It is not easy to understand and realize this reason on your own; in most cases, this requires a specialist. I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. Together with you in consultation, we will be able to understand what is causing your aggressive behavior and how it can be changed. you can find more information to get to know me better.

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On one side of the scale lies fear - on the other there is always freedom!

How to safely be aggressive without causing offense

I have shared with you ways to show you how to deal with aggression. I hope that you will not just read them, but write them down, memorize them, or add the page to your bookmarks, and apply these methods in difficult situations. But know that any unexpressed emotions always find a way out. That is, they inevitably result in something. They, like energy, do not appear from nowhere and do not go to nowhere.

That is why you need, after using one of the proposed methods of curbing aggression, to tell your interlocutor calmly and measuredly about what made you angry. Say what exactly it was unpleasant for you to hear or what actions of this person you did not like and why.
If these words are spoken calmly and reasonably, using the “I-message” and using the method of proper quarrel, they will be understood and heard by anyone, be it a taxi driver, boss, wife, child or store clerk. This way you can determine for yourself what exactly is bothering you. You will understand how and when people create situations for you where you become angry, and you will be able to regulate this process.

How to express aggression - 3 ways to release emotions

So, any emotion always finds a way out. If you don't let it come out, it will find a way out in your body. And emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, if we restrain them, destroy the body from the inside. Over time, this may manifest itself as illness or depression. If you don't want the illness consequences of suppressing aggression, read on to learn how to safely vent your emotions. Now, you restrained your anger, and then, if possible, verbally told your interlocutor what you didn’t like. The last step remains - give your aggression an outlet in action, find a suitable way for you to express anger through the reaction of your body.
The best and guaranteed way is sports. Running, fitness, wrestling, dancing, jumping. An activity that brings you pleasure and at the same time works with the body - for example, drawing, modeling, knitting - can also help. You can hit pillows or a punching bag. Scream loudly to your heart's content. In a closed car, in the forest, in a field, near a pond. If you want to cry, cry.

One of my friends periodically goes to the river, where there is no one, beats his chest with his fists and screams loudly. This method is also perfect. In general, find your favorite method of releasing emotions and use it regularly. You will feel relieved and your body will thank you. Safety, yours and that of other people, is the main limit to the expression of aggression. Everything that does not go beyond this border can and should be done. Don't allow yourself to suppress your emotions. Give them a safe exit.

Conclusion

So, now you know much better how to restrain anger and aggression, as well as how to quarrel correctly and give vent to aggression after a quarrel. Let's summarize. If you feel aggression coming over you, there are three steps you need to take:

At a time of conflict, when you want to raise your voice or argue, use one of the methods that shows how to cope with aggression. For example, mentally put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor. Visualize yourself in a safe place or with a pleasant person. Where you feel good. Take a time out or use logic. Also, diaphragmatic breathing is great.

After this, calmly talk to your interlocutor using the method of proper quarrel. Apply the “I message.” Forget the word “you”, take responsibility. Using the “I message”, express the reason for your indignation. Then add the feelings or emotions that come up for you. And finally, come up with alternative options for the interlocutor’s behavior in this situation. Tell him how pleased you would be if he did this instead of this. Rest assured, it works. If you do this technique correctly, calmly and reasonedly, your interlocutor will not only hear you, but will also listen. It is likely that he will not do this again. And if you always apply the method of correct quarrel, then the people around you will begin to reflect you over time and, unnoticed by themselves, will also begin to quarrel correctly.
After using any method of containing aggression, regardless of how you managed to resolve the conflict, in the evening or the next day, be sure to give vent to your emotions by going to the gym or running in the forest, at the same time becoming even more beautiful and happier.
To completely eliminate the causes of your anger and aggression, go through all the tasks of my practical exercise, with the help of which you will learn to competently defend yourself, resolve conflicts in a way favorable to you, and finally begin to change your life so that it completely suits you. Detailed description and link to purchase.

And don't forget to download my book How to Love Yourself. Using this link you can purchase it at a symbolic cost of 149 rubles. In it, I collected the most effective techniques with which I once raised my self-esteem, became confident and fell in love with myself. This book will not only help you learn to assert your boundaries without being aggressive, but will also make your life happier overall.

Each person is unique, and therefore independently applying methods on yourself to restrain anger and aggression, as well as giving them a safe outlet, is not as easy as it seems. Everyone has their own characteristics that lead to these negative emotions. I am a psychologist and I work with this problem. Individually, I help a person understand his personal roots of the problem and make sure that it no longer bothers him. You can contact me for psychological help, and we will figure out together where your aggression comes from, and I will help you learn to build safe and harmonious relationships with others.

You can make an appointment with me for a consultation through in contact with, instagram or . You can get acquainted with the cost of services and the work scheme. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work.

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Take care of each other and be happy!
Your psychologist Lara Litvinova

Each of us has thought about the nature of aggression and anger, which overwhelm our consciousness in uncontrolled streams in the most seemingly adequate situations. Attempts to perceive reality in a positive way fail, and a storm of emotions occupies all the space inside and around us. And then we wonder why there is so much evil around us, and why can’t we just be kinder to each other? In fact, it is always easier to evaluate and judge someone from the outside than to come to the realization of your involvement and begin to change the world for the better from yourself. But how can you learn to restrain negative energy, or at least find the strength not to splash it out on others?

Margarita Zavorotnyaya, Candidate of Psychological Sciences (Psyvita.ru)

Margarita Zavorotnyaya: “We all enjoy communicating with self-possessed, calm people, who give reasons for their ideas and look into their eyes during a conversation, radiating confidence that they are right. “What a well-mannered and self-confident person,” we think.

When the conversation takes place in a raised voice, and the interlocutor’s eyes exude hatred, then, in fact, words do not matter. The meaning of words is lost in the abyss of emotions, and intonation and gestures become dominant. There is a feeling of rejection of the interlocutor, and sometimes of oneself. Often we blame ourselves for misbehaving and for provoking anger.

Few people know, but aggressive behavior is a manifestation of weakness, not strength. The nature of aggressive behavior is similar to the nature of the behavior of an insecure person who is very afraid that someone will offend him first. Fear causes the aggressor to express anger towards others before they raise their voices at him or realize his weaknesses. Such a defense mechanism in psychology is called the “projection mechanism”: I will be the first to make claims against you before you make them against me.”

The manifestation of aggression in each individual case has its own roots; numerous studies by psychologists from different times have common ideas about its causes. Some associate bursts of aggressive behavior with the rapid development of the world and social changes that disrupt the usual course of life, while others focus on the protective qualities of the individual and competition. Moreover, each case is characterized by manifestations of different types of aggression: proactive, as a reaction to an object that irritates us; defensive, as protection from an aggressor; accumulated as a result of exposure to prolonged stress.

How to avoid open conflict with an aggressor?

Margarita Zavorotnyaya: “First of all: show calm. If the aggressor sees that he has caused you a feeling of fear or self-doubt, then for him this is a sign: it means that you have something to be afraid of - and he is on the “right” path.

Of course, it is difficult to remain calm when you are unfairly offended. But remember, the aggressor “feeds” on your negative emotions; they play the role of a “life-giving elixir” for him.

The nature of this phenomenon lies in the unconscious search for love. The worst thing for a person is indifference. Any emotion is better than indifference. For example, if in childhood a child experienced a deficit of positive emotions, then he fought for the manifestation of negative emotions from his parents: just to pay attention to him. In adulthood, such people develop chronic aggressive behavior, which becomes the norm for them.

In addition, it is much easier to “pound your fist on the table” than to explain and argue for a long time about your position on any issue. Thus, the basis of aggressive behavior is a lack of upbringing, inattention to the opinions and feelings of other people, and an inability to communicate.”

Aggression and anger are emotions inherent in both women and men. Women release negative energy in the form of irritation, insults, tears and hysterics, which only occasionally turn into physical violence. Men, on the contrary, in addition to screaming, hit the wall with their fists and use physical force. For men, aggression serves as a tool to achieve a goal, and for women - so that she simply does not feel emotionally bad.

Margarita Zavorotnyaya: “Men often do not hesitate to express their aggression, but women do not have this opportunity. Initially, in traditional culture, a woman’s task is defined and clear: to give birth and raise children. Therefore, for the most part, women strive to realize their role as “keeper of the hearth and peace in the family.” It is not for nothing that “female wisdom” is so glorified in our culture, implying the correct attitude towards male aggression and dominant behavior. A man’s task is formed throughout life, since it is not a priori predetermined. Men in search of their true purpose are subject to significant anxiety and stress, and as a result, they are more likely to display aggressive behavior. In addition, our culture has developed a fairly tolerant attitude towards male aggressive behavior.

What are the proverbs like “Beating means loving”, “Being jealous means loving?”

Let me give you an example. Aggressive male behavior often alternates with the ability to look after beautifully and amazing tenderness. Often successful women become victims of just such men. After all, they want love and care, and the words “I know what you want,” “I will give you the whole world,” sound so long-awaited. Indeed, for the first time after meeting, the world seems to have been brought as a gift, the man is perceived as a prince, and the woman begins to feel the happiest in the world. At the same time, attacks of male aggression can come without a schedule and even without a reason: “You look beautiful - it means for someone. Success at work means you get it for what you can do, but I can’t.” Usually, when a woman for the first time sees her “prince” in a rage, who offends her for no reason, she either immediately decides to leave him, or comes up with excuses for him, starting to look for some flaws in her behavior. Then the attack of aggression passes, and the “prince” again becomes the most gentle and understanding in the world, swears that this will never happen again and he “doesn’t know what came over him.” And so on until the next attack, with new promises and repentances. Sometimes only the help of a specialist can change such a situation.”

Why has the topic of aggression and anger become so relevant these days?

Margarita Zavorotnyaya: “Nowadays, even previously calm people have begun to notice attacks of anger and aggression. Stress is fertile ground for this. Uncertainty about the future causes feelings of anxiety and fear, which means atypical behavior is possible. How to deal with internal agitation and dissatisfaction? There is no single recipe for everyone: some will choose sports, others sleep, others pleasant communication and interesting events. In any case, each person can choose something pleasant and healing for their peace of mind. Even if you choose to focus on positive thoughts, there will be less room for anger and aggression.”

We should all remember that regardless of the reasons, aggression breeds aggression. This means that if there is too much of it in our lives, we should think, “Am I doing everything right?”

Many people, when faced with troubles and injustice from others, flare up like a torch. They do not know how to control their anger so as not to regret the splashed out negative emotions. How to control yourself when family and friends become victims of such outbursts. The answer to these questions is simple: there is no need to restrain yourself, anger is a natural feeling. You just need to learn how to manage it.

In order to learn how to deal with, you need to understand the essence, causes and ways of manifesting this feeling.

Anger is a person’s negative reaction aimed at injustice, resentment, or unjustified expectations. Psychologists consider it a normal and adequate manifestation of personality. But this feeling can only be natural as long as it does not cause harm to the person himself and the people around him. If outbursts of rage happen too often, relatives disperse in fear into different rooms, neighbors try to avoid them - you need to sound the alarm, it’s time to think about how to learn to control your anger.

Reasons for anger

What can make a person angry? Whatever. These may be personal insults, injustice, deception and other moral reasons. Often a person cannot control himself when something gets in the way of his cherished goal. This reaction can occur in both adults and children. How often small children showed their anger when their parents forbade them to do something.

In addition, anger can manifest itself as a result of chains of negative behavior, when two people, trying to prove that they are right, begin to insult each other. The conflict is accompanied by threats, accusations and even assault. Often the conflicting parties do not remember what caused the conflict.

Psychologist Patterson provided a list of verbal patterns that can lead to angry outbursts:

harsh criticism;
persistent advice;
humiliating reproaches;
sharply setting conversation boundaries (“enough is enough” or “I don’t want to hear from you anymore”)
threats;
labeling (for example, all women are like this, but men are different)
obscene remark;
sarcasm;
curses;
accusations, etc.

In addition to verbal ways of provoking anger, people can use facial expressions, gestures or other actions.

Types of Anger

There are two main types of anger: external and internal. The first type consists in the manifestation of external aggression, the second - in the internal experiences of a person, which do not manifest themselves physically in any way.

Displays of anger

A person's anger manifests itself in the form of irritability. At the same time, adrenaline is released into the blood, blood pressure and heart rate increase, and blood vessels dilate. This process may be accompanied by redness of the face, tension in muscle tone, and protruding veins. If a person speaks during an outburst of anger, his speech may be choppy and incoherent. As they age, most people know how to control their anger or at least hide its manifestations.

The role of anger

As mentioned earlier, anger is a natural feeling, sometimes even useful in a person’s life. He is able to mobilize all a person’s strength, take him out of his comfort zone and provoke him to some kind of activity. The main thing is to know how to release anger. In the process of evolution, anger served as a means of mobilization and self-defense. Now, with the development of civilization, the role of angry manifestations has weakened. Manifestations of average and high levels of anger are considered bad manners and savagery. Although some psychologists still consider it as a protective tool. In a physiological sense, anger causes a surge of energy and strength. This occurs due to the release of adrenaline into the blood.

How to get rid of anger

In principle, if your anger is moderate, then there is no need to get rid of it. There are many ways to safely express negative emotions. Each person must choose this individual method for themselves.

Advice: for some people, using a punching bag, screaming in a deserted place, or crying into a pillow helps them deal with anger.

If anger causes a lot of trouble, you can seek help from a specialist so that he can explain how to learn to manage anger.

If the feeling of aggression has gotten out of control, it has become the cause of conflicts at work, in society and at home, then you need to use the following tips and learn how to control your anger.

Take a break. If you feel like a wave of anger is about to wash over you, analyze what caused this feeling. Count to ten and think about how to overcome the anger that has covered you. Under no circumstances should you suppress this feeling, because suppression in this case means ignoring the problem. A suppressed feeling of rage now may appear later with a vengeance. You don't want this, do you?
Admit that you are angry. Don't try to convince yourself and others that everything is fine. Don't hide your feelings, but don't show them too violently. Psychologists' studies have shown that people who are too restrained, no less often than those who are too aggressive, are at risk of developing cardiovascular diseases. Only those who know exactly how to deal with anger are able to get out of this situation with dignity.
Analyze your emotions. Think about what caused your anger. Maybe, after a detailed analysis of the situation, you will discover that you were in vain to lose your temper. Perhaps the interlocutor who caused your anger did not want to offend you at all. Think about other people and try to find excuses for them. Put yourself in the shoes of the offender. Imagine that the person who cut you off on the road is rushing to see his sick child, or taking his wife, who is giving birth, to the maternity hospital. Perhaps you would do this yourself, because the well-being of our family is paramount for us. Or maybe the problem is not with the man who behaved incorrectly on the road, but with you? Maybe you're driving too slowly, causing the wrath of other motorists?
Speak up. Don't be silent in anger. Try to calmly explain to the object of your anger what doesn’t suit you. Take the time to explain. Speak calmly but confidently, choosing the right words carefully. If the cause of your anger is one of your household members, try to openly convey to him that certain actions he does make you angry. If this is a stranger, politely respond to his annoying actions, but do not make accusing remarks. This can only force the opponent to take a defensive position and thereby aggravate the situation.
Talk to yourself. This is a very effective way to suppress anger. There are times when you cannot tell a person that you are angry with him. You don’t tell your boss that he caused your anger, or, let’s go back to the driver who cut you off and who has disappeared, the most you can do is shout an offensive phrase after him. In these cases, just talk to yourself, talk out the problematic situation and, perhaps, from the outside it will not seem so problematic.
Do a warm-up. Many people, when asked “how do you cope with a bad mood,” answer that they go to the gym and let off steam there. Try it, maybe this technique will help you cope with feelings of anger.

Training “How to learn to control your anger”

If you still don't know how to pacify anger, use the following technique:

take your mind off the source of your anger;
wash your face with cold water;
change the environment;
write down your anger on paper;
find the funny in the current situation;
learn to find a compromise;
turn to your loved ones for help, since you yourself are unable to suppress your anger.

In addition to all the above tips on how to overcome and express your anger, there are general recommendations from doctors on how to suppress anger.

Some doctors believe that most health problems arise from poor diet. We noticed that it is easier to piss off a hungry person. Hunger turns off the ability to control your emotions. This fact is explained by the lack of good serotonin in a hungry body, and amino acids that enter the body with food are responsible for the production of this substance. In addition, doctors believe that alcohol is the biggest provocateur of negative emotional excitability.

Relax, do something nice for yourself, take a bath, treat yourself to something tasty and the question of how to relieve anger will be resolved.

Every person in the modern world has to regularly deal with negativity and stressful situations. Not everyone manages to restrain aggression and hide their discontent. This is not surprising, because this is a natural reaction of the body. We will help you learn how to control your anger and aggression, and give you real, practical advice.

The nature of anger and aggression

Aggression is a natural and integral property of every living organism, including humans. Some people show excessive aggression, and there are many provoking factors for this. For example, at a certain age (early or teenage years) aggressive actions are the norm. Moreover, the emotions that adolescents can express contribute to the development of their autonomy and independence. The absence of aggression during such a period may indicate developmental disorders.

Experts confirm that aggression is a behavior pattern and not a unique emotion. A person’s aggressiveness implies a tendency to cause physical or moral harm to others. It occurs to some extent in all people, both children and adults. In a child, anger and irritation arise due to unformed moral standards or inadequate arbitrariness of behavior.

The problem is that improper upbringing can contribute to the deterioration of the situation, as a result of which the character trait becomes entrenched and develops into a behavioral trait. It, in turn, will cause a person considerable problems in adulthood: outbursts of anger, inability to control one’s emotions, constant attacks of anger for no apparent reason, acute reactions to stimuli, etc.

Experts still have not figured out all the reasons why people express anger and aggression. They define several categories that cause this behavior:

needs;
congenital inclinations;
social conditions;
emotional or cognitive processes.

At the same time, experts divide the state of aggression into two types:

laid down at the genetic level - constructive;
characteristic of a particular person - destructive.

It should be noted that constructive aggression is also divided into subgroups - pseudo-aggression (actions without evil intentions that can cause damage) and defensive.

Do you need to control negative emotions?

Anger and aggression are completely natural human traits. At first glance, there is nothing wrong with them, except in cases where aggression leads to harm to others or even crime. Despite this, anger and rage can ruin relationships with loved ones, friends or work colleagues. Nowadays, normal people do not prove physical superiority by beating another person. Insulting with words is also not the best option - it is bad form and a sign of lack of education.

Imagine that your neighbor on the landing does not know how to restrain his anger, and aggressive behavior is the norm for him. He is constantly dissatisfied with something and takes it out on you and other residents; his outbursts of aggression are not controlled. Moreover, the more often he does this, the more he wants to continue. Unconsciously, he creates situations that stress other people and give him pleasure. Agree, living side by side with such a person is not so pleasant.

Normal people always distance themselves from those who cannot learn to control their anger. The society of aggressive people is also formed from unbalanced individuals, which also does not lead to anything good.

Think about all this and decide whether anger needs to be controlled? Most likely, the answer is definitely yes, so next we will help you figure out how to control anger and irritability, cope with an attack of anger, and also give advice from a psychologist.

Is it possible to be aggressive without offending anyone?

We will find out how to restrain anger and aggression below, but first we will consider another important question - is it possible to show aggression without harming others? Realize that negative emotions will definitely find a way out, since they, like energy, cannot dissipate. It is more correct to use one of the ways to control anger, and then carefully express the emotions. For example, you can convey to your interlocutor in a calm, measured voice what exactly angered you in his actions or words. And be sure to justify it.

If you do everything correctly, keeping calm, the interlocutor will definitely hear and understand you, be it your husband/wife, boss, disgruntled taxi driver or saleswoman in a store. Moreover, this approach will allow you to quickly understand how others manage to create situations in which you begin to get angry. Such self-analysis will help you learn to avoid this.

How to contain aggression?

Now let's move on to advice from psychologists that will help you learn to restrain anger and manage negative emotions:

If you feel that something has begun to irritate you, try to distance yourself from it. It’s better to do this physically, that is, just leave and avoid an unpleasant situation, but you also need to learn to do it mentally: think about something that calms and calms you down.
If a person annoys you and is trying to make you angry, try to imagine yourself in his place. Understand the motives for his behavior. You may agree with his reasons, and this will help you control your anger.
Learn to react calmly to any situation. Imagine yourself as the surface of water or a stone wall that does not react to anything, but only reflects the negative emotions and provocations of others.
Be tolerant of other people's shortcomings. We all have them and everyone has the right to make mistakes.
Never shout. If you notice that you are starting to raise your voice, take a deep breath, and as you exhale, get rid of the negativity. Do this several times and continue the conversation in a calm voice.
If you realize that you are overcome by uncontrollable anger and you cannot cope with your anger, take a break. Move away from others, be alone with yourself, or count to 10 in your head.
Share your experiences with someone to get support or advice from someone close to you.

How to learn to manage anger?

Controlling negative emotions and containing your feelings is not an easy thing to learn. There are effective and proven techniques for managing anger:

Exercise is an excellent way to combat stress. Physical activity releases accumulated energy, which is used for beneficial purposes.
Rest. The body needs proper rest. An important component of it is healthy sleep.

A person who does not get enough sleep becomes predictably irritable and this is just one of the... You should try to sleep 7-9 hours a day.

3. Meditation. You can practice meditation techniques that will help you find balance and inner peace.

4. Voltage relief. You need to learn how to get rid of it, but each person has his own way. Anything will do: communication with loved ones, movies, music, outdoor recreation, walks, etc.

5. Life values. It is important to understand the reasons for your irritation and anger, reconsidering your values and, possibly, changing your views on certain things. This will help you restrain yourself, and others will not be able to make you angry.

Remember to be respectful of other people's opinions. Everyone has the right to act differently and express emotions. When someone starts to get angry and nervous and dissatisfied, remember that the world does not revolve around you.

Ways of expressing aggression

As has already been said, all emotions find a way out, sooner or later. In an unpleasant situation, you will restrain your anger, but the energy will need to splash out. If you leave anger, sadness and fear inside you, it will destroy you from the inside. Over the years, this will lead to depression and even serious illness. You can avoid these consequences, but to do this you need to learn to express emotions.

Each person finds a suitable way for himself. One of the best is sports - running, wrestling, fitness, dancing or anything else. This activity should be fun and help improve certain skills - creative or physical. If the sport is not for you, you can simply hit a punching bag or pillows. Some people find calming hobbies such as knitting or painting helpful.

You can choose a more extraordinary option - scream at the top of your lungs, finding a suitable place: a closed car, a forest, a field. Crying helps some people, so don't hold back if you feel like crying. The main thing is to do it where no one will see your weakness!

In general, each person has a different approach to the release of emotions that anger and aggression cause. If you feel the need to throw them out, be sure to do it in one of the appropriate ways, and never accumulate negativity within yourself!

And find out how relevant this problem is to you. So, Houston, do we have a problem? Then let's learn to work with our negative emotions.

Why do some people get angrier than others?

As you might imagine, everyone who took this test got different results. Why? The fact is that all people belong to different personality types, moreover, each contains different proportions of different personality types (read about personality types).

First of all, there is nothing wrong with anger as a human reaction. This natural reaction was developed in humans during the process of evolution and, therefore, it helped and is helping humans to survive. Everyone has it, it just manifests itself in different ways and to varying degrees in different personality types.

As Professor Ray Diguiseppe writes, most clinical psychologists consider anger a secondary emotion and do not recognize the existence of any mental illness associated with its uncontrolled manifestation. That is, anyone can learn to control their outbursts. This is not a disease, but an inability to work with your personality type.

But if anger is a natural reaction, why control it?

We have already left caves and medieval castles, where people had no time to analyze their emotions. In modern society, a civilized person learns to control emotions because it makes him more effective and competitive. It is no coincidence that “emotional competence” has become so popular now.

Is it true that holding in negative emotions is harmful to your health?

Of course, an outburst of anger is not only an emotional, but also a physiological state. When we are angry, a large amount of energy is released into the body, which is manifested in increased heart rate, redness or pallor. This energy has to go somewhere, it cannot simply be suppressed.

However, scientists have come to the conclusion that the legend that holding back anger is harmful is just a legend. Why?

Because an outburst of emotions, complete emancipation, an uncontrollable breakdown on other people is a kind of drug that gives a person a certain pleasure. The more often a person does this, the more his subconscious wants to repeat it. The person begins to attract and/or create situations that require an outburst of anger. Not consciously, of course. And, as a result, he finds himself in a vicious circle, from which it becomes more and more difficult to get out. Normal people begin to shun such a person; only people like him, who also need hassles and scandals, are drawn to him. Can you imagine what the life of a person who is accustomed to not controlling anger turns into?!

So what to do if you can neither release nor suppress your emotions? They can be controlled, or, in other words, sublimated. How? I'll give you a dozen techniques a little later.

Perseverance or aggressiveness?

In the Russian language there is a unique phrase “healthy anger”. It reflects the belief of some people that in order to achieve results, you must first get really angry. Many people involved in business and especially sales may ask the question: how can we do without outbursts of anger? They help you achieve success, because perseverance is the engine of business.

It is very important not to confuse these two concepts - persistence and aggressiveness. In trainings on sales, management and personal effectiveness, they teach you to be persistent, not to give up, and to achieve your goal. Persistence is truly an important driver of success. But in Russia, where the history of the development of business efficiency is limited to only twenty years, many misunderstand calls for persistence and confuse persistence with aggressiveness.

Assertiveness differs from aggressiveness by having complete control over your emotions. An assertive person is calm and friendly. He sees his opponent not as an enemy, but as an ally or playing partner. Perseverance is not a war, but a chess game. A persistent person strives to outplay, and not “burrow” his opponent.

So what to do with outbursts of negative emotions?

How to control anger? The goal of control is not to completely destroy your anger. This is impossible because it is a natural reaction, as we have already said. The main task is to learn to control anger so that it does not control you.

As we said above, anger has two manifestations: psychological and physiological. And control techniques can be divided into two groups:

techniques to help control the psychological component;
techniques that help control the physiological component.

What to do with the brains?

How to control anger in the area of its psychological component? Use the following techniques.

Anger, like any emotion, originates in the right hemisphere of the brain. And the left hemisphere is responsible for logic and analysis. If you activate the work of the left hemisphere and begin to analyze the current situation, the work of the right hemisphere slows down and negative emotions subside.
First of all, try to clearly identify the cause of your irritation. When a person is angry, he can transfer it from the real cause to a secondary object. Find the root cause of the outburst.
If an outburst of anger is caused by the behavior of another person, think about why. Is his behavior truly offensive? Psychologists believe that irritation is caused only by the behavior of another person that is inherent in us. Therefore, the reaction to the behavior of other people is very subjective. There may not be any objective reasons for irritability.
If an outburst of anger is caused not by a person’s behavior, but by a crisis or problem, try to concentrate on ways to solve the problem, and not on your experiences. Use it. Using a ready-made tool and concentrating on a specific procedure dramatically reduces stress levels. Plus they really make solving the problem easier :)
Listen carefully! Try to listen to everyone before opening your mouth. This will help in two ways: while listening, you will (a) engage your left brain and (b) refrain from making hasty statements that you may regret later.
Call on your sense of humor to help, try to see the comedy of the current situation, find something funny in it. Humor extinguishes anger.
Always remember that this is not the end of the world. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Next time you'll have better luck. Maybe you should get yourself a Solomon ring with the inscription “this too shall pass” on the inside?
Use a favorite tool of psychoanalysts - visualization of a safe place. Remember a place where you felt calm and good, where you were happy. Imagine that you are there.
Learn to forgive. However, this is the most complex of all the tools described here :)
If angry outbursts are a serious problem for you, keep an “anger diary” and write down all the times you have angry outbursts and their reasons. Such a diary will help you identify the main triggers, which most often cause a breakdown. Then you can work with these reasons: avoid situations where these triggers appear, or behave especially carefully in such situations. As they say, forewarned is forearmed.
Avoid situations that most often cause you to have angry outbursts. For example, if a husband and wife’s scandals most often begin late in the evening on weekdays, when both are tired and return irritated from work, the spouses may agree not to discuss any important issues at this time, leaving these issues for the morning or weekends.

What to do with the body?

How to control anger? Techniques for controlling the physiological component of the problem.

Take ten deep breaths. It really works!
Physical activity helps a lot: a walk, swimming, a couple of squats, a game of table tennis, or breathing and meditative practices: yoga, wushu.
Change the environment - physically remove yourself from the environment in which the irritation arose. Go out to eat or go shopping.
If you are sitting in a meeting or “on the boss’s carpet” and cannot make any noticeable movements, concentrate your attention one by one on your limbs (you have four of them), try to relax all the muscles in each of them. Try to relax your lower jaw and tongue - this is also very calming.
A duty pillow is a proven remedy. Beat her heartily, but only in private.
Take your anger out on paper. This is the oldest tool for controlling emotions. Write everything you think, and then, preferably, burn what you wrote. You can take training in the ancient Slavic psychotechnics “Pysanka”. This is a simple and effective tool. Why did I add this technique to the list of physiological tools? Because writing involves fine motor skills, just like writing on a computer.
Fine motor skills are a wonderful means of suppressing emotions and anger in particular. For example, knitting, embroidery, making dumplings.

What tools Not work:

screaming without words, as an instant reaction to a flash of anger (“ahhh” at the full capacity of the lungs),
banging a fist on the table (or a shoe on the podium),
breaking breakable objects and tearing apart tearing objects.

Why they don't work:

Having calmed down, you will feel stupid and ashamed in front of others. This will make it more difficult to get out of emotional negativity, and you may start to get angry with yourself.

What's next?

I have described a lot of anger control tools. You can't remember everything. And it is not necessary. How to control anger:

From this long list, choose a couple of tools for controlling your brain and a couple of tools for controlling your body at the time of an outburst of anger that you like the most, which will be easiest for you to use at the right time.
Write them down in your phone to quickly recall them in your memory at the right time.

Anger is the most destructive emotion a person faces. A person controlled by negative emotions is doomed to mistakes and failures. Don't let this destructive emotion control you, learn to control your anger!